A real couple’s story: Two camera-shy nerds share how they rejected traditions and expectations to plan a wedding they actually wanted to go to. How to celebrate what matters most – you, your people, and your story.
For lots of people, wedding planning sounds like a dream. For us, two queer little camera-shy nerds who are happiest with binoculars and walking boots, or playing board games and eating chips, it sounded like a nightmare. Not because we didn’t want to celebrate, but because every version of a wedding we could find online looked absolutely nothing like us. Not only that, but the more we looked at ideas online, contacted venues, went to wedding shows… the more we thought we wouldn’t want to turn up to our own wedding if it had to be something so alien to us.
So, we decided if we were going to do this, then we would make sure we planned a wedding we’d actually want to go to.
Here’s what that looked like. We’re Rhi and Sam, and this is our “wedding”.
*Disclaimer* You do you, our feelings about weddings don’t reflect on what anyone else wants to do or has done. It’s just what felt right to us, and that’s what matters most. I have met some incredible wedding planners, makeup artists, DJs and magicians over the years working in the wedding industry. I’ve been to some absolutely awesome venues and loved every minute. But for our own wedding, we had to be true to exactly what we felt comfortable with, and so should you.
The “traditional wedding” problem
Let’s do an experiment. Search online for “relaxed wedding ideas.” You’ll get thousands, maybe millions of results. It’s all still pretty… “weddingy”. Fancy venues, seating plans, first dances, traditions that made sense to someone somewhere at some point in history (apparently) but feel completely bizarre when you actually stop and think about them.
We considered eloping, but when we were honest with ourselves, we didn’t want to skip the day entirely. We wanted our people there. Our fabulous, wonderful friends and family who have shown up for us through some properly difficult times. We wanted hugs and laughter with the people we care about and who’ve got us to where we are today. We just didn’t want… the rest of it.
We started saying no to things. We made a list of what was most important to us, and chucked everything else in the bin.
Getting ready together (at home with the dog)
Sitting in a chair, staring at my own face in a mirror for several hours while someone makes me look like a totally different person… no thanks. I get my hair cut once a year and spend the entire time wondering if it’s acceptable to close my eyes or run away. My daily makeup routine is face wash and moisturiser, mascara if I’m feeling fancy. I wanted to spend that time with Sam and our dog Ivy, in a familiar environment, with as few people/plans as possible. The idea of a full glam session made me want to cancel the whole thing.
Instead, I did my hair in a (genuinely quite scrappy) bun held together with approximately one million grips, and my brilliant friend Hailey (officially known as “decorative wife”) came over to make sure I didn’t look too much like a boiled egg or bin donkey. There was eyeshadow. There was setting spray. But I still looked like me. Bin donkey rolled in glitter. Honestly, exactly what I wanted.
Sam had already seen my dress when it arrived in a shoe box from a Vinted seller, but I kept the veil fabric a secret. The morning of the ceremony, I popped a little square of it into his pocket before he headed to Dancing Man Brewery with some friends for pre-ceremony drinks. I love the photo of this moment, as it looks like I am presenting him with a mythical glowing orb! The veil was my one extravagance, and it was everything I imagined and more, turning me into a colourful, botanical, human disco ball.
Sam, meanwhile, was wearing a dark green tweed suit from Skopes at Next. Dark green was non-negotiable for him; and it took us long enough to bloody find it! Honestly, the number of websites that say something is green when it is very clearly grey… Baffling! He had a vision of a lovely dark green fabric, like a mossy little branch on the forest floor, and what my princess wants, he gets! Once April from Lovelace Atelier had taken the trousers up, it was perfect.
Getting ready together at home, cuddles with the dog, no timeline pressure (other than getting out the door), no unfamiliar people in our space? I cannot recommend it enough.
The Lake District detour (and a small confession to my Dad)
A few weeks before the ceremony, we snuck off to the Lake District for a little break and took the opportunity to have some pre-wedding portraits. The idea was to take any pressure off the actual ‘wedding day’, get some nice photos in the bag that our families would love, and make some memories. We also needed to practise being in front of a camera without having a shared internal crisis about it!
We wandered around in our wedding outfits, waved at confused hikers, carried our dog in a basket, and genuinely loved every minute of it. It felt like the sort of thing we would never have done, but it was loads of fun. The photos blew our tiny little minds. Janina captured the landscape and our personalities, and we didn’t ever feel like we had to pose for that. It gave us so much confidence in ourselves, and we stopped feeling anxious about wedding photography and actually started to get a bit excited about it!
I shared those photos with my Dad before the wedding, which also served as the moment I casually mentioned I had a tattoo, quite a big one… Sorry Dad. He was expecting to see the same outfit when I came down the stairs that morning. He did not see the same outfit. He was already emotional and the surprise did not help (in the best possible way!).
Southampton Registry Office wedding
The boring legal bit… We chose a civil partnership rather than marriage, which gave us a lot more flexibility over the format. We tried to include things that felt like us, things that would ground us in the moment. Our friend Ade did a reading of “Dust” by Harry Baker, we had some of our favourite music, and we wrote our own vows.
We booked the Golden Jubilee Room at Southampton Register Office, which had space for up to 60 guests (although we were a fair bit below that number). The stained-glass window and high ceilings made it feel a bit special, and there are some simple neutral flower arrangements dotted around, so we didn’t feel the need to worry about decorations. I was a bit worried about the hideous blue and gold carpet, but Janina understood the assignment and made sure it wasn’t stealing the show in any photos! How the ceremony looked was probably at the bottom of our list of priorities; we just wanted it to feel as personal as possible, within the constraints of the ‘legal stuff’.
The “Civvy P” (Civil Partnership Ceremony)
Sam and our guests had just a few metres to walk from Dancing Man Brewery (which is right next door, handy). They all grabbed their seats and chatted whilst listening to the music from one of our fave games, Wingspan. Our Registrar, Odette, was lovely and super reassuring, so after a couple of calming breaths, a quick hug with my Mum, and a few tears with Janina, my Dad walked me down the aisle.
The part of the day we were both most nervous about was the ceremony. Standing in front of a crowd of people, being the sole focus of their attention, with nowhere to hide… EEK! As cheesy as it sounds (I know that’s what I thought when people tried to tell me this), the moment I walked in and saw Sam, those nerves melted away. In the moments when the crowd came back into focus, we didn’t feel watched or self-conscious but were reminded of how much we love our little army of wonderful humans.
We knew Janina was good at documentary wedding photography (she’s got awards and shit to prove it!), and now that we’re looking at our own wedding photos, we know exactly what her work means to people. The photos from the ceremony show us all the emotions in the bubble that surrounded us, things we couldn’t possibly have seen for ourselves in the moment. Looking at the photos feels like the warmest, drunkest hug from everyone in that room.
Order a fuck ton of confetti
Confetti seemed like a super traditional part of a wedding day, but it was one that also looked like our kind of fun. Janina’s article with confetti tips gave us plenty of inspiration. We’d spent a while picturing the moment, but nothing could have prepared us for how it felt to have what can only be described as ‘a fuck ton’ of confetti raining down over us. The photos of this part of the day have so much colour and beautiful chaos, they’re just awesome! The vibrant rainbow mix from Proper Confetti really did the job.
We’re still finding confetti around the house, and I think I might have bits of it in my soul.
Pub?
A sit-down meal in a fancy venue was never going to be our cup of tea. We wanted something familiar and relaxed. What better place for that than the pub, Brewhouse and Kitchen, where we have many happy memories of eating chips, drinking beer, and losing at the pub quiz?
While guests made their way to the pub, Sam and I took some time out for a little walk around the old Southampton city walls. It gave us a bit of downtime to get over the ‘holy shit we’re grown-ups’ feeling. And what do grown-ups do? They grab an ice cream, stop traffic, and jump on a trampoline before heading to the pub!
Expectation Vs Reality
We were upfront with guests beforehand: this wasn’t going to be a full-day extravaganza with entertainment and a schedule and a running order. We invited people to come and spend a couple of hours with us, eat some chips, and have a few drinks. The idea of having a wedding cake seemed too formal, so my Mum organised a Colin the Caterpillar cake (and a swarm of baby caterpillars). We also grabbed some vegan brownies from Café Thrive, a local fave from Sam’s uni days.
This was the bit of the day that took the most strength to avoid doing things we didn’t want to do. No decorations. No seating plan. No speeches. No toasts. No family line-up photos. No awkward first dance. No cake cutting… Although no one actually wanted to be the first to cut it, so we eventually just hacked Colin into several pieces with a steak knife, and then people helped themselves!
We even managed to sneak outside together for five minutes to eat our own chips in the sunshine. It might not have been what people would expect from a ‘wedding reception’, and it certainly wasn’t luxurious or fancy, or like anything you’d see on a Pinterest board. But it was totally US!
The photos (and why Janina was exactly right for us)
I’ve worked with Janina for years. We’ve swapped voice notes and been through some great times and some difficult times together, and I’ve spent years watching her document other people’s most important days. She even photographed our friends’ wedding at Farnham Castle (the bride with the croissant in her pocket!).
I thought I knew how she worked. But I’d never seen her process from this perspective before, and now I can appreciate even more of the skill, experience, and absolute magic she puts into telling people’s stories. Her daughter also joined us for the day, and immediately felt like part of the family (she’s also absolutely incredible with a camera!).
We ran through the final details with Janina on a video call, with Ivy on my lap and her sausage dog causing chaos in the background. It was at this point that I realised just how much she listens, and how she builds that into the way she works on a wedding day. She asked about our lives, our families, our friends, and the things we love. She wanted to know our story and genuinely cared about telling it.
That’s exactly what comes through in the photos. It’s not a copy and paste of someone else’s wedding. It’s not an Instagram-perfect version of a day with people who look like they belong in a magazine. It’s real, it’s honest, and it is completely, entirely us. The small details of the big moments. The emotion on the faces of our family and friends in the background. Us sitting outside high-fiving with chips, and the huge hugs that happened all day long. That’s what our day was about.
We can’t live those moments again. But flicking through our wedding photos feels about as close as you can get.
Our advice to you
Whether you’re planning the kind of wedding we’d happily turn up to, or the kind we’d hide under a table for all day, do yourselves a favour and get in touch with Janina. Be yourselves and trust her to capture your day, set her free to be creative, and then wait excitedly for the results.
If you’re getting the fear or finding it hard to imagine a wedding that feels like it represents who you are, this is your sign. Don’t let anyone judge or edit your decisions. You’re allowed to say no to things. You’re allowed to do it differently. The people who love you will support and celebrate you. Everyone else can get in the bin.
Oh, and buy fucking loads of confetti.
